A Year Ago vs Today; the Last chapter of Mourning.

Disclaimer: This might be one of, if not, the most personal post I have ever published on my blog. I might have been blessed to be surrounded by love & comforting friends, but the main strength relies on oneself only, Only you can survive a tragic loss. Only you can make the change.

 

A year and 17 hours ago,  I woke up from a nightmare unfolding into a reality; I had just lost the most important person in my life; the man that I had spent the last 33 years with living under the same roof, the man that had given me the best life I could possibly imagine of and the man that showered me with an unprecedented unconditional love day and night. In a split second it all came to an end.

Everyone assumed that I was going to break and fall into oblivion. Everyone was expecting a meltdown. Everyone. Even I.

The first year is always the worse (everyone said). You spend birthdays, Christmas, New Year and some important commemorations with that one person absent. You shred some tears (even choking sobs) on those dates, looking back at old pictures. Pictures and selfies you will not be able to renew years from now; comparing the eventual growth of the persons involved, physically, and capturing emotions regarding the moments you are experiencing together. It is normal to shy away from society; everyone is understanding however the problem arises when you start getting comfortable in your new cocoon. A cocoon that on the long run will be harming you and only you. It will rise some concern within your family and close friends. Days will pass by, even months and you will turn into a walking zombie in your home, while everyone else is eventually moving on. Then one Day it will stop.

7 months later I woke up. I woke up and said yes to a dinner invite set by my close friend. I showered (no people no, I was showering everyday, please!) dressed and before leaving the house kept on repeating to myself that everything is going to be okay. I had a really great time (thank you for asking!) and decided to take my life back.

What I am trying to say is the following:

  • you will always feel the loss. you will always shred tears. you will never get over it or as everyone keep on pressing; ‘move on’.
  • you will have to bounce back to life.
  • can you imagine yourself sad and depressed for years to come? (I can’t)
  • as cheesy as this may sound, nor the person you lost would have liked to see you wasting your life like that on his/her expense.

A loss is a tragedy, mourning a fatality if not treated well. As I said before, if you do not take matters into your own hand while spiraling down the rabbit hole, the end of your life (not literally) would bite your ass sooner than you thought. The hand that was lent to you, grabbing you, will eventually slip and make your fall deeper down the hole. The light, while looking up the hole, will be fading to a point where you will be wishing you saw it back ‘full screen’.

Being strong under such circumstances is not easy. I never thought of myself as a strong person. This tragedy proved to me, that not only am I strong, but I can face any obstacle thrown my way with determination and assiduity. That every problem has a solution. That it is not the end of the world. That life is only lived once. That he is watching over me. That he is proud of me. That he is always going to be next to me. That he lives within me. That I am his legacy. And his legacy is ALIVE  with me.

I will always LOVE  you Dad..

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xo

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Author: Patyl-Astrid

"Be daring, be different, be impractical, be anything that will assert integrity of purpose and imaginative vision against the play-it-safers, the creatures of the common place, the slaves of the ordinary." Cecile Beaton

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